The list below is definately not exhaustive, but books that have captured my imagination and rung true for me or had an impact in one way or another in the last 5 years.
Masculinity
No More Mr Nice Guy – Dr Robert Glover
“No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover really hit home for me. It’s all about ditching that need to always be the nice guy (people please) — the one who always says yes, never rocks the boat, and puts everyone’s needs before his own. Glover dives into why guys do this and how it’s not doing us any favors. He offers some solid steps to start looking out for ourselves more. Reading this was a game-changer, helping me stand up for myself and make my relationships a lot more genuine.
Way of the Superior Man – David Deida
“Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida was a real eye-opener for me. It’s about stepping up as a man in relationships and in life. Deida talks about the importance of living with a purpose, dealing with challenges, and understanding the energies between masculine and feminine dynamics. This book pushed me to think deeper about how I show up in the world and in my relationships. It’s all about being more present, powerful, and authentic.
Under Saturn’s Shadow – James Hollis
Under Saturn’s Shadow” by James Hollis really made me think. It dives into the darker, often ignored aspects of male psychology, especially the stuff we sweep under the rug. Hollis discusses the concept of the “second adulthood” in men, confronting the issues that come with midlife crises, and the shadows cast by unmet expectations and societal pressures. It’s a compelling read that challenges you to face the parts of yourself that you might not be so proud of, encouraging personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.
Man Uncivilized – Traver Boehm
“Man Uncivilized” by Traver Boehm is all about breaking free from the stereotypes that box men in. Boehm challenges the idea that men need to choose between being the tough, emotionless guy or the new age sensitive type. Instead, he suggests blending strength with vulnerability. This book is a call to action for men to redefine what it means to be strong and sensitive, to be leaders without losing their humanity. It’s a powerful read that really resonated with me, pushing for a balance that feels both authentic and empowering.
Lover, Warrior, Magician, King – Robert Moore
“Lover, Warrior, Magician, King” by Robert Moore is a profound exploration of the four archetypes central to the male psyche. Each archetype—Lover, Warrior, Magician, and King—represents different aspects of masculinity that, when balanced, can lead to a more fulfilling life. Moore provides insights into how embracing each can help us overcome challenges and mature in our relationships, careers, and personal growth. This book was a deep dive into understanding these roles and how to harness their power to lead a more balanced and authentic life.
Iron John – Robert Bly
“Iron John” by Robert Bly took me on a deep dive into what it means to be a man in today’s world. The book reinterprets an old fairy tale to explore masculinity, mentorship, and the steps to mature manhood. Bly talks about the importance of acknowledging and integrating the wild, instinctual nature within, which society often pressures men to tame or hide. This book was a powerful read that helped me reconnect with a more natural, instinctive part of myself and understand the journey of personal development as a man.
To Be A Man – Robert Masters
“To Be a Man” by Robert Masters is an in-depth look at modern masculinity and the challenges men face in navigating their emotions and identities. Masters delves into topics like aggression, sexuality, vulnerability, and the pressure to conform to outdated male stereotypes. He offers a path toward a more authentic and emotionally intelligent manhood, encouraging men to confront and heal their wounds rather than mask them. This book resonated with me as it provides practical guidance on how to embrace all facets of being a man in today’s world, fostering a healthier, more integrated sense of self.
Relationships
Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel
“Mating in Captivity” by Esther Perel really flipped the script on how I view desire in long-term relationships. Perel argues that the very things we crave in relationships—security, comfort, familiarity—can dampen desire. She offers eye-opening insights into how maintaining individuality and mystery can actually fuel passion. This book challenged me to rethink intimacy and gave me new tools to keep the spark alive without sacrificing closeness. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to balance domestic bliss with sexual excitement.
You Are The One You Have Been Waiting For – Richard Schwartz
“You Are the One You Have Been Waiting For” by Richard Schwartz brought a whole new perspective to how I approach relationships. Schwartz applies the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model to couple relationships, emphasizing that the key to a fulfilling relationship is not finding the perfect partner, but rather, healing and understanding ourselves. He teaches how to become your own confident, calm, and curious partner first. This book was enlightening, showing me that real change in my relationships starts with me. It’s a great guide for anyone looking to deepen their connections with others by first getting in touch with themselves.
Make Love Work – Nic Beets
“Make Love Work” by Nic Beets is a straightforward, practical guide that offers real solutions to common relationship issues. Beets dives into the complexities of modern relationships and provides clear strategies to navigate them effectively. From communication pitfalls to keeping the romance alive, this book covers it all with actionable advice. Reading it helped me better understand the dynamics of my own relationships and gave me the tools to foster a more loving and supportive partnership. It’s a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their romantic connection. Nic is my couple work supervisor by the way!
Tell Me No Lies – Pete Pearson and Ellyn Bader
“Tell Me No Lies” by Pete Pearson and Ellyn Bader is a game-changer for understanding honesty in relationships. The authors argue that truth-telling is essential for intimacy and growth, but it’s often avoided because of the fear of conflict or hurting each other. They explore how little white lies can spiral into deeper deceptions and ultimately erode trust. This book gave me a lot of insights into why honesty can be tough but crucial, and it provides practical tips for fostering an environment where truth can thrive. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to build or maintain a healthy, transparent relationship.
Come As You Are – Emily Nagoski
“Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski completely transformed how I think about sexuality. Nagoski introduces the idea that sexual well-being isn’t about fitting into a mold, but understanding and embracing your own unique sexuality. She breaks down the science of sex in a way that’s accessible and relatable, debunking myths and emphasizing the importance of emotional and physical context for sexual health. This book was a revelation, teaching me that being comfortable with your own desires and responses is the key to a satisfying sex life. It’s empowering and enlightening, a real eye-opener for anyone looking to understand their sexual self better.
The State of Affairs – Esther Perel
“The State of Affairs” by Esther Perel takes a bold and insightful look into infidelity, challenging the conventional wisdom about cheating and exploring why people do it. Perel examines the complexities of relationships and the myriad reasons behind affairs—from desire for emotional connection or self-discovery to a search for a lost sense of self. She argues that affairs can have a paradoxical effect, sometimes destroying marriages while at other times revitalizing them. This book helped me see infidelity not just as a betrayal but as a complex, deeply human behavior that prompts a broader discussion about relationships, trust, and desire. It’s a provocative read that encourages a more nuanced conversation about commitment and happiness.
Other Really Important Reads
The Origins of You – Vienna Pharaon
“The Origins of You” by Vienna Pharaon is an insightful exploration into how our past shapes our present, especially in the realm of relationships. Pharaon dives deep into how childhood experiences and family dynamics influence our behaviors, patterns, and choices as adults. This book helped me connect the dots between my early experiences and my current relational habits. It offers guidance on how to heal and evolve beyond our past, encouraging a journey towards healthier, more conscious relationships. It’s a compelling read for anyone interested in personal development and improving their interpersonal connections.
A Little Book on the Human Shadow – Robert Bly
“A Little Book on the Human Shadow” by Robert Bly offers a compelling dive into the shadow side of human nature, a concept popularized by Carl Jung. Bly discusses how our shadows—parts of ourselves we deny or ignore—accumulate over time, and he suggests ways to acknowledge and integrate these hidden aspects. Through essays and poetry, Bly illustrates how confronting our shadow can lead to greater authenticity and creativity. This book helped me understand the importance of facing the parts of myself I’d rather not see, revealing how embracing our full complexity can lead to a richer, more balanced life.
The Myth of Normal – Gabor Maté
“The Myth of Normal” by Gabor Maté challenges the very idea of what society considers ‘normal,’ especially in health and psychology. Maté argues that much of what we accept as normal—chronic stress, widespread anxiety, and a host of other health issues—actually indicates a deeply unhealthy culture. He connects the dots between individual health issues and broader societal problems, making a case that true healing requires us to reevaluate how we live and treat each other. This book really opened my eyes to the ways our environment and social structures impact our health, pushing for a more holistic approach to well-being.
The Alter Ego Effect – Todd Herman
“The Alter Ego Effect” by Todd Herman introduces a fascinating concept: creating an alter ego to tap into your best self. Herman explains how adopting an alter ego can help overcome self-doubt, insecurity, and the mental barriers that hold you back from achieving your highest potential. By channeling the traits of a more confident, composed, or even fierce persona, you can perform better under pressure, whether in sports, business, or personal life. This book struck a chord with me as it offers a unique and powerful strategy for self-improvement, showing how to harness the power of your imagination to elevate your performance and life.
Man’s Search for Meaning – Viktor Frankl
“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl is a profound book that has had a deep impact on how I view life and adversity. Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, writes about the psychological experiences of life in Nazi death camps, asserting that even in the most horrific circumstances, individuals can find reasons to live. He introduces his theory of logotherapy, which posits that our primary drive in life is not pleasure (as Freud suggested) but the pursuit of what we find meaningful. This book taught me about the incredible resilience of the human spirit and the importance of finding meaning in all forms of existence, no matter how brutal. It offers not only a framework for surviving and understanding suffering but also for finding a purposeful life.